Wednesday 8 August 2007

Solidarity

Is it me or is there a serious lack of Carer Blogs out there?

Although this blog is relatively new, I’ve been blogging for a year at the end of this month. During that time I have come across many mental health blogs, but few written by Carers. It’s a shame really, because during the short time that I have been writing this blog I have found something that I have rarely found before during the whole 6+ years that I have been caring for Mr Man – solidarity.

I have been to Carers groups in the past but to be honest they didn’t provide me with what I needed. In my experience it was just a social gathering once a month with complete strangers, which needlessly took me away from Mr Man for a couple of hours. We would either read poetry or have a pub lunch, but we never discussed Carers issues. Most of the Carers were elderly, and many were ex-Carers; living alone I’m sure they looked forward to the Carers meeting each month, and these ones seem to have more to say than any of the others.

One lady was a similar age to me and she also cared for her husband, although his illnesses were very different to Mr Mans. She started attending the group at a similar time as I did, and having nothing in common with anyone else, we seemed to be drawn to each others company. It wasn’t long before I stopped attending the meeting altogether, but I still meet fairly regularly with this lady for coffee or lunch. The great thing is that we actually do talk about Carers issues, and we both experience very similar problems even though our spouses have different illnesses. It’s reassuring that if either of us has to cancel at short notice the other one completely understands, and neither of us feels “over the top” by having our mobile phones right next to us, always ready for “that call”.

She is the only person I have ever felt really understands my situation as a Carer, although she doesn’t necessarily understand everything about Mr Mans illness, and likewise, I don’t pretend to understand the illnesses her husband suffers from either. But it doesn’t seem to matter.

The same is true for Carers who blog. I particularly like the comment left by Maz in the comments section.


“I really think we carers are all in the same boat, so we each must take turns to paddle”

It’s so true. I have been amazed how I have been able to relate to the experiences of each of the Carers who have commented thus far on this blog, and it’s obvious that they have also been able to relate to my own experiences. And yet, each of us is in a different relationship with the person we are caring for, and they each have a different illness.

Carers issues are often the same. Isolation must be the biggest problem. How important then that we “paddle” for each other. It’s important that we’re heard, understood, and that we can recognise ourselves in others, to help reduce that feeling of being so alone.

"Rescue" by Philippa King



I’d like to extend a very warm welcome to all Carers, and to thank those who have commented already or linked to me in their own blogs. Please feel free to leave your address in the comments section if you would like me to link to you.

16 comments:

Penny Pincher said...

Hi there - thanks for your comment left on mine. I think sometimes i still find it hard to think of myself as a 'carer'. I've only attended 2 carers' meetings. At the first one I was desperate and very stressed but not one of the 4 social workers appeared overly welcoming or empathic. Maybe they were frightened I would burst into tears on their shoulder. I tried once more and had the same experience as you.
None of the other carers had anyone with mental problems. Were more inclined to focus on carer's involved in physical manual care tasks.
That's when I started to blog - and not found many carer's blogs till recently. We must try and spread our word around a bit more.
We may be a small voice in blogland but we are increasing.
Here's a HUG for you. x

Mr Mans Wife said...

Hi Thinker, thanks for your comment - and your hug! Both are greatly appreciated.

In our area Carers receive a news letter every few months, and I've noticed in there details of a Carers group specifically for those who care for people with mental health problems. It's in the next town but I've been thinking about going, just to try it out. Do they have anything like that in your area?

I found that the one I used to go to was more like a social for the elderly to be honest. They didn't talk about Carers issues at all.

Thank goodness for blogging eh?

Here's a ((hug)) for you too :)

Anonymous said...

hi mmw! thanks for linking me, i appreciate it. i didn't know you had this blog, too.

i have not really identified myself as a carer other than the usual way a mom cares for her children. unconditional love, you know? but i appreciate the inclusion, because i guess i am a carer.

i'll have to bookmark this blog, too. i love your other blog, i can identify and i've grown to really like and admire you and mr. man.

Mr Mans Wife said...

Hi Anonymous Mom,

Thank you, I really appreciate your kind comments. You're welcome for the link, but please don't feel obliged to reciprocate.

I suppose this blog is more of a general carer thing, and I hope that I can build up a good list of links to other, more specific blogs.

Your comments about your own caring role are typical of a carer! Just look at The Thinkers comments above, and I also have struggled to think of myself as such. It wasn't that long ago when I went to my first carers meeting, and I felt like a fraud.

Hmmm... maybe I need to write a post about this... thanks for the inspiration!

elanor said...

I agree, there are not many carers blogs, I am always looking for more. blogging and reading other carers blogs has been such a relief for me. I feel like you all understand the roller coaster of emotions this involves.I can be honest on my blog and it's OK.

Carers meetings here are always held during the day,I work, and mainly teach things I already know.I think they are often focused on how to 'perform' caring, with a little self care thrown in.

I know they mean well but telling me I need a break is hardly a revalation to me! Actually being able to organise if is virtually impossible for lots of reasons nobody cares to hear about.

I would love to link up with other carer bloggers. Maybe we could start a "carer blogger carnival"?anyway I am just glad you are out there, especially at 2am!

Mr Mans Wife said...

Hi Elanor, I agree that it doesn't seem very practical to have Carers meetings during working hours. Even if you didn't work I dare say you would find it easier to find someone to sit with your Mum for a couple of hours during the evening than in the day, due to other people having work commitments.

Also, telling us to look after ourselves is one thing, but giving us the means to do it is something else! (and by the way, we care about the reasons why it is so difficult for you to get a break!)

I'm interested to hear more about this "Carer blog carnival" idea that you have. Please share!

Anonymous said...

Hello there.
Followed the link back and i can see just what your saying here. My mum is dads principal carer but like so many of the other commenters i too failed to classify myself as such. I think thats why there are so few speicifcally Carer related blogs, lots of people either dont think of themselves that way or the isolation of the care itself makes you think you are alone.

Thank you for this, I shall bookmark you and make sure mum gets to read it too.

Mr Mans Wife said...

Hi ther Kowarth, great to have you with us!

I completely agree with your points about why there are so few carer blogs.

I hope this blog and the links it contains proves to be helpful to both you and your Mum.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the encouraging comments on my blog. The small group of carer blogs I read are really important to me and feels a little bit more personal and easier to engage with that some of the forums at caring sites although the people there are usually lovely, with blogs I feel people can find each other and engage differently.
I haven't been to any carer's meetings because well...I don't think me as a 25 male will find much to relate with - could be wrong but the nearest is 30 mins away by car and its difficult enough to get cover for things I really need to do.
I only really identified myself as a carer when my wife got DLA but that was 18 months after she got ill.
Thanks for inspiration to keep on blogging

Mr Mans Wife said...

Hi Ed, thanks for commenting.

I agree, I think blogging is an important way for carers to communicate with each other. This is another thing that I have had in mind to blog about, but I seem to have too many ideas and not enough hours (or brain cells!) to do it!

Watch this space!

A Single Man said...

Hi Mr Mans Wife,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm out here in cyberspace too. In my case, I'm caring for my partner of many years, who has HIV dementia, PML, strokes, etc.

Another blog out there is alzheimer's moments (blogger).

It's hard to find other carers and support groups are daft in many ways. I've found much solace in the notion that others experience the same roller coaster of emotions that I do.

Right now, I'm just going on, day by day, and wondering just how much longer I can do this. So far, it's been 10 years.

Hang in there.

asm

Mr Mans Wife said...

Hi there Single Man, welcome to my neglected blog!

Thank you for leaving a comment. I've had a little read of your blog and once again I find so many things that I can relate to even though our situations are so different.

I know you have some very difficult times ahead of you, but I hope you can find peace soon.

Robert said...

Reading your blog, I realise just how many issues we have in common - the feeling of isolation, the lack of understanding (and, eventually, sympathy) by friends (and ex-friends!)...

And yet we all show our "everything's alright" face to the world nearly all the time...

Also, the fact that I CHOOSE to remain a carer makes me feel guilty if I complain. Do you ever have that feeling?

Mr Mans Wife said...

Hi Robert, thanks for your comment, and the link.

Isn't it amazing how we can all relate to each other?

I know what you mean about feeling guilty about complaining. For me I suppose it's because I worry that people will misunderstand me and think I am just complaining about Mr Man, which I would never do. I've had this problem with people in the past. I suppose it's just hard for people to really grasp what we're saying when they haven't experienced anything like it before.

Thanks again for your comment. I will add your blog to my list.

ChickPea said...

Greetings ! Not sure if this blog is still active, but hope so - seems a really good idea to link blogs like this. I am UK based, and have just recently started to blog and am finding it astonishingly therapeutic!Visit at http://chickpeasouffle.blogspot.com All best wishes, x

Mr Mans Wife said...

Hi there Chick Pea! Thank you for commenting!

This blog is kind of... actively neglected! But it's always nice to be able to add another link to the side bar - they do get clicked on occasionally by visitors here.

So welcome! I hope you find the other links interesting :)