*Mr Mans Wife clears her throat*
I thought it was about time I posted on this badly neglected blog.
As a result of being a Carer, it can be difficult at times to maintain other relationships. Friends and family struggle to understand the full extent of the caring role, and the responsibilities and anxieties that it includes. Although their intentions are good and they are genuinely trying to help, they often unwittingly make demands of us which put us under more pressure.
Take for example my brother. He and his family live in Norway and for the past four or more years he’s been asking me the same question: “When are you coming to visit us?”
As I’ve told him time and time again, I would love to visit him in Norway but Mr Man wouldn’t be well enough for the journey, and he couldn’t cope with being away from the home for more than a few nights, either in Norway or in a respite home.
My whole family seem to have great difficulty in understanding this. You can read my full rant about this here.
Friends are often the same. I’m repeatedly asked to go on holiday with friends or go on day trips with them, or just out for an evening. I’m grateful that I have so many friends that want to spend time with me, but it’s depressing and often embarrassing when I have to repeatedly decline invitations. It’s not so bad now I suppose because the friends who really didn’t understand stopped inviting me out years ago! I’m sure they thought I used Mr Man as an excuse when I didn’t want to do things.
I wrote a poem expressing how I imagined some of those friends must have felt sometimes.
My Friend the Carer
My friend is a Carer
But she doesn’t care for me
She always turns me down
When I ask her round for tea
She won’t come out for a drink
Or even chat that long
She won’t do anything
That I think makes a friendship strong
She says “I’d love to stay and chat
But must do such and such”
She just smiles back in silence
When I say she does too much
I say “Come out, he’ll be ok”
But she never does reply
I don’t think she knows I noticed
When she turned to wipe her eye
I don’t see why she should be sad
It’s plain for all to see
That I’m the one neglected
‘Cos she doesn’t care for me!
-
Of course the friends I have left are mostly very understanding and get on with Mr Man very well. In addition it’s not quite as difficult to leave Mr Man as it used to be.
What really makes me laugh is when “Carers Groups” arrange day trips for Carers – how on earth are they supposed to find the time out to go?
10 comments:
Hi there,
I really like your poem. The whole post strikes a chord with me, as friends and family really do find it difficult to understand. Unfortunately the offers from friends have dried up and family still get a bit funny when I can't see them as much as we'd like.
I've been doing a blog as well at
www.constructyourself.co.uk
Hi there Anonymous, welcome to my (neglected) blog.
This is something I found extremely difficult to cope with when Mr Man was first ill as I am usually a very sociable person. In time it has got easier though, partly because it isn't as difficult to either go out or have people round as it used to be, and partly because I have learnt to adjust. Having hobbies such as blogging (which is a form of communication) helps.
Thank you for leaving the address to your blog. I will definitely add it to the blog list on this site.
Thanks mr mans wife,
Sometimes I think I've adjusted too much where when an opportunity arises when we can do something I'd rather not.
We've had a couple of short breaks together but most have gone wrong and usually coinciding with a particularly bad bout of illness. And when I email friends about going away friends think that my wife must be getting better which is frustrating.
I will also add your blog to my blog roll.
Thanks
Yes, I know what you mean. Friends and relatives seem to have a problem understanding how a sick one can cope with some things and not others don't they? They only seem to understand "deaths door" or "fully recovered". There's no inbetween.
Also they don't seem to understand chronic illness. It either has to be degenerative or completely curable.
You're welcome for the link.
oh yes and thanks for the post, now I knwo that someone else 'get it'!
my mum has problems with incontinence and i am so tired of being told to let my husband and daughter look after her for a few days while i get away.
what friends don't seem to realise is that thier continual 'not listening' just makes me turn to them less, i too wonder at the day trips for carers..
thank god for blogging!
Elanor, you are so right. I'm actually amazed that although you, Anonymous and I care for people with completely different illnesses, the issues we face are the same!
I can relate to what you're saying. It's about security for your Mum, and no one understands her needs like you do.
More power to you. I've added you to my blog links. :)
hi I've enjoyed reading your blog -from 1 carer to another: I know exactly what you mean!
I've left my blog addy too!
I really think we carers are all in the same boat so we each must take turns to paddle.
maz x
www.mazcarer.blogspot.com
Hi there Maz, thanks for your comments, and thanks for the link. I will add you to my list as well.
It's great to read of other peoples experiences and to learn that although our circumstances are different they are very much the same. So, the more the merrier!
Great blog.
My children were my carers from the age of 10 and 11. They were real stars. They cared full time for 6 years. I am a lot better now though I still need their help. But they are now more independent.
There was no respite for them and no help at all from social services.
Terrible for them but they have coped really well.
Poetessxxxx
Hi Poetess, welcome and thanks for your comment. I agree, that is terrible for them. I suspect that children are the most neglected carers of us all. They must be real gems though; I'm sure you're very proud of them.
I'm glad that you're much better now. Did their shared caring role make them closer?
I've taken a look at your blog by the way; your poems are great!
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