*Mr Mans Wife clears her throat*
I thought it was about time I posted on this badly neglected blog.
As a result of being a Carer, it can be difficult at times to maintain other relationships. Friends and family struggle to understand the full extent of the caring role, and the responsibilities and anxieties that it includes. Although their intentions are good and they are genuinely trying to help, they often unwittingly make demands of us which put us under more pressure.
Take for example my brother. He and his family live in Norway and for the past four or more years he’s been asking me the same question: “When are you coming to visit us?”
As I’ve told him time and time again, I would love to visit him in Norway but Mr Man wouldn’t be well enough for the journey, and he couldn’t cope with being away from the home for more than a few nights, either in Norway or in a respite home.
My whole family seem to have great difficulty in understanding this. You can read my full rant about this here.
Friends are often the same. I’m repeatedly asked to go on holiday with friends or go on day trips with them, or just out for an evening. I’m grateful that I have so many friends that want to spend time with me, but it’s depressing and often embarrassing when I have to repeatedly decline invitations. It’s not so bad now I suppose because the friends who really didn’t understand stopped inviting me out years ago! I’m sure they thought I used Mr Man as an excuse when I didn’t want to do things.
I wrote a poem expressing how I imagined some of those friends must have felt sometimes.
My Friend the Carer
My friend is a Carer
But she doesn’t care for me
She always turns me down
When I ask her round for tea
She won’t come out for a drink
Or even chat that long
She won’t do anything
That I think makes a friendship strong
She says “I’d love to stay and chat
But must do such and such”
She just smiles back in silence
When I say she does too much
I say “Come out, he’ll be ok”
But she never does reply
I don’t think she knows I noticed
When she turned to wipe her eye
I don’t see why she should be sad
It’s plain for all to see
That I’m the one neglected
‘Cos she doesn’t care for me!
-
Of course the friends I have left are mostly very understanding and get on with Mr Man very well. In addition it’s not quite as difficult to leave Mr Man as it used to be.
What really makes me laugh is when “Carers Groups” arrange day trips for Carers – how on earth are they supposed to find the time out to go?
Monday, 16 July 2007
Saturday, 2 June 2007
Carers Week: June 11th - 17th 2007
Who are carers?
I conducted a little experiment the other day. As I walked through the town centre, I watched people as they went about their business and tried to guess which ones were carers. Typically I chose women, in their 50’s and over, who looked tired and distracted. I quickly realised my error and was surprised that I had stereotyped carers in that way, especially as I have been a carer myself since the age of 29. Obviously, some preconceived ideas are hard to change, even for those of us who should know better.
In truth carers can be any age, even children. They can be from any walk of life, any nationality, male or female. Just as illness is indiscriminate, so is the caring role. A carer could be a son, a daughter, or a grandchild; a spouse, a parent, or a grandparent; a distant relative, a friend, or a neighbour. Often carers are unaware that they are regarded as such, and unaware of their own rights; they often carry out their role without complaining, compelled by love and duty, concluding that their extra responsibilities are simply a part of their role as a parent, son, spouse and so on. Is this the case?
At what point does a person become a carer and not just a loving friend or relative?
A carer is someone who provides unpaid help for someone on a regular basis, because of an illness or disability. The caring role may vary greatly from case to case, but most carers would probably agree that they need to be “on call” 24 hours a day.
What might the responsibilities of a carer include?
The responsibilities of a carer are varied and many. From my own experience these include, but are not limited to:
• Making sure the person being cared for is taking the correct medication at the correct times, and the correct dose. Organising and collecting repeat prescriptions, arranging appointments, and helping the person to attend.
• Washing, bathing, shaving, drying and dressing the person being cared for.
• Making sure the person is eating adequately and getting enough fluids.
• Tending to other personal needs, including changing clothing and bedding if the person has soiled them in some way (urine, stools or vomit).
• Providing reassurance or making sure the person who is cared for is safe.
I expect these seem like obvious requirements to most people, but would you be surprised if I told you that it was necessary for me to carry out these tasks even though the person I was caring for was suffering from a mental illness and not a physical one? Again, it can be easy for us to fall victim to preconceived ideas.
What is a carer worth?
There are almost 6 million carers in the UK. The main benefit for carers is Carers Allowance which is £48.65 a week for a minimum of 35 hours a week. This works out to £1.39 per hour; £3.96 less than the National Minimum Wage (depending on age). Carers save the government £57 billion a year. Of course, young carers who are still in full time education receive nothing at all.
What is the personal cost to the carer?
Carers are no strangers to health problems of their own. In many cases their caring role is juggled with other responsibilities such as running a home, raising children, work, or schooling. The physical demands and the emotional strain can leave carers in need of medical attention themselves.
Often carers have ongoing fears and anxieties which plague them on a daily basis:
• Do I look after my loved one well enough?
• Am I somehow to blame for the illness or disability that my loved one is suffering from?
• How will I cope if their symptoms deteriorate?
• What will happen to them if I die?
• How will they manage while I am out of the house?
• What will I return home to?
Along with these feelings of guilt and self doubt a carer may struggle with feelings of resentment and loss; their caring role will have had a major impact on their personal lives, including:
• Restrictions on social activities
• Having to give up a well paid job or a progressive career
• Less time to devote to education
• Having to postpone finding a partner and settling down
• Having to delay or give up entirely on plans to start a family
• Less time to spend with other loved ones or children
Little wonder then, carers can often suffer from low self esteem, loneliness and depression.
Who will care for the carer?
Carers Week has been held each year for over a decade now. The purpose of this week is to raise awareness of the issues faced by carers on a day to day basis; to enable new and unknown carers to access support and services; to remind existing carers that support is available for them and that their role is a valuable one; and to celebrate the caring role. Yes, as difficult as caring can be, it also has its rewards.
During Carers Week, events will be held all over the country to allow carers to get together and to help raise awareness. Celebrities such as Esther Rantzen, David Jason, and Chris Tarrant will lend their support, and local MP’s are invited to offer their support also, and to sign the special Parliamentary Carers Week motion.
For more information about Carers Week, which organizations are taking part in your local area, and to read about the special Parliamentary Carers Week motion, visit www.carersweek.org
I conducted a little experiment the other day. As I walked through the town centre, I watched people as they went about their business and tried to guess which ones were carers. Typically I chose women, in their 50’s and over, who looked tired and distracted. I quickly realised my error and was surprised that I had stereotyped carers in that way, especially as I have been a carer myself since the age of 29. Obviously, some preconceived ideas are hard to change, even for those of us who should know better.
In truth carers can be any age, even children. They can be from any walk of life, any nationality, male or female. Just as illness is indiscriminate, so is the caring role. A carer could be a son, a daughter, or a grandchild; a spouse, a parent, or a grandparent; a distant relative, a friend, or a neighbour. Often carers are unaware that they are regarded as such, and unaware of their own rights; they often carry out their role without complaining, compelled by love and duty, concluding that their extra responsibilities are simply a part of their role as a parent, son, spouse and so on. Is this the case?
At what point does a person become a carer and not just a loving friend or relative?
A carer is someone who provides unpaid help for someone on a regular basis, because of an illness or disability. The caring role may vary greatly from case to case, but most carers would probably agree that they need to be “on call” 24 hours a day.
What might the responsibilities of a carer include?
The responsibilities of a carer are varied and many. From my own experience these include, but are not limited to:
• Making sure the person being cared for is taking the correct medication at the correct times, and the correct dose. Organising and collecting repeat prescriptions, arranging appointments, and helping the person to attend.
• Washing, bathing, shaving, drying and dressing the person being cared for.
• Making sure the person is eating adequately and getting enough fluids.
• Tending to other personal needs, including changing clothing and bedding if the person has soiled them in some way (urine, stools or vomit).
• Providing reassurance or making sure the person who is cared for is safe.
I expect these seem like obvious requirements to most people, but would you be surprised if I told you that it was necessary for me to carry out these tasks even though the person I was caring for was suffering from a mental illness and not a physical one? Again, it can be easy for us to fall victim to preconceived ideas.
What is a carer worth?
There are almost 6 million carers in the UK. The main benefit for carers is Carers Allowance which is £48.65 a week for a minimum of 35 hours a week. This works out to £1.39 per hour; £3.96 less than the National Minimum Wage (depending on age). Carers save the government £57 billion a year. Of course, young carers who are still in full time education receive nothing at all.
What is the personal cost to the carer?
Carers are no strangers to health problems of their own. In many cases their caring role is juggled with other responsibilities such as running a home, raising children, work, or schooling. The physical demands and the emotional strain can leave carers in need of medical attention themselves.
Often carers have ongoing fears and anxieties which plague them on a daily basis:
• Do I look after my loved one well enough?
• Am I somehow to blame for the illness or disability that my loved one is suffering from?
• How will I cope if their symptoms deteriorate?
• What will happen to them if I die?
• How will they manage while I am out of the house?
• What will I return home to?
Along with these feelings of guilt and self doubt a carer may struggle with feelings of resentment and loss; their caring role will have had a major impact on their personal lives, including:
• Restrictions on social activities
• Having to give up a well paid job or a progressive career
• Less time to devote to education
• Having to postpone finding a partner and settling down
• Having to delay or give up entirely on plans to start a family
• Less time to spend with other loved ones or children
Little wonder then, carers can often suffer from low self esteem, loneliness and depression.
Who will care for the carer?
Carers Week has been held each year for over a decade now. The purpose of this week is to raise awareness of the issues faced by carers on a day to day basis; to enable new and unknown carers to access support and services; to remind existing carers that support is available for them and that their role is a valuable one; and to celebrate the caring role. Yes, as difficult as caring can be, it also has its rewards.
During Carers Week, events will be held all over the country to allow carers to get together and to help raise awareness. Celebrities such as Esther Rantzen, David Jason, and Chris Tarrant will lend their support, and local MP’s are invited to offer their support also, and to sign the special Parliamentary Carers Week motion.
For more information about Carers Week, which organizations are taking part in your local area, and to read about the special Parliamentary Carers Week motion, visit www.carersweek.org
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